Why Being A Pessimist Matters
The old glass half full/half empty debate has kept many a beer-fuelled conversation going – at least it did in my student days.
But does it really matter which side of the fence you come down on?
Before I answer that, Iâd like you to consider a well known phenomenon weâre all familiar with. Have you ever bought a new car – I mean one thatâs a new make, model and colour for you – and suddenly noticed theyâre everywhere?
Where were they before?
Well, of course they were there then too, but your brain didnât register them as important so you took no notice.
This is a well documented psychological phenomenon.
So, if youâre a pessimist, youâll naturally notice all the faults in any plan. Youâll see reasons why your marriage wonât last and youâll expect your health to fail.
Itâs hardly a recipe for a happy life, is it?
Of course, the pessimistic readers out there will argue that it works fine because it protects them from failure and disappointment, but the truth is, their whole life is a disappointment.
The glass-half-full brigade, on the other hand, will be actively seeking out opportunities, carving them where perhaps they didnât exist before. They tend not to ask how but to go for a âIâll figure it outâ approach to challenges and obstacles.
This principle applies to anything.
If youâre insecure, youâll notice signs of rejection. A pause in a conversation may become a meaningful silence, indicating the other person doesnât want to talk to you, for example.
Whereas to a self confident person, itâs just the other person being quiet or thoughtful. Self confident people donât take it personally.
The patterns arenât difficult to spot. I could come up with lots more examples, but you can probably do that for yourself.
The question is: Is there anything we can do about it?
Iâve had clients whoâve told me about terrible things theyâve been through and they explain how theyâve been hurt by life.
I have great compassion for such tales, but Iâve learned that neither empathy nor sympathy helps them.
You see, the reason they tell me – or any transformative professional, such as a counsellor or psychotherapist – is because theyâve decided that their experiences justify their fear of the future.
Before I met my lovely wife in 2006, I spent quite a bit of time on internet dating sites. I met some lovely women – some real characters among them. But I never formed a long-term or âmeaningfulâ relationship with any of them.
Why?
Well, of course there were multiple reasons but eventually I figured out that most people using those sites, (me included at the time!), had one thing in common:
Weâd all been hurt in love before!
And so at every date, weâd be mentally dancing around each other to look for the warning signs.
One woman even told me she really liked me so she wasnât going to see me again in case she fell in love with me!
(Howâs that for mixed messages?)
Fortunately, I knew enough about NLP to realise that, having spotted my own pattern of âdonât get close in case you hurt me,â I could change it.
And I did.
Had I not done so, itâs highly unlikely Iâd be heading for the 10th anniversary of a wonderful marriage now.
I know that sounds like an âeasier-said-than-doneâ throwaway line but in fact I probably made it harder than it needs to be.
I did know some techniques which I used on myself. But now I get that I could have got Harry Potter to do one of his spells on me and it would have worked – as long as Iâd believed in it.
The techniques I deployed may have been the agent for change, but what really made the difference was simply changing the way I thought about my situation. I just saw that it wasnât the situation that was causing my fears about love and commitment – it was my thoughts about the situation, love, relationships ⊠and all that jazz!
When my thoughts changed, my life changed.
Why Is Change So Difficult?
I was going to end this article but I canât leave it there, can I?
Everyone will be screaming back at their computers claiming they canât change.
If they could change, theyâd have done it, wouldnât they?
Itâs okay.
Iâd be right there along with you. Or at least, I would have been until relatively recently.
Once again, thereâs a false assumption behind the questions and our seeming inability to change at will.
Itâs because it doesnât require will power!
We think we have to do it all.
But thatâs like saying, âIâll have to have a couple of hours off tomorrow. I need to grow my fingernails.â
Years ago there was a sitcom on British TV set in a department store. One character, Mrs. Slocombe, (played by the late, great Mollie Sugden), was a middle aged lady in charge of a department – lingerie I think.
One day, she declared pompously to the boss, âI wonât be in tomorrow afternoon. Iâm having my hair done.â
To which he replied, âIn the firmâs time?â
She stated indignantly, âWell, it grows in the firmâs time!â
Nature takes care of so much, yet when it comes to our patterns of thought and habits we think we must have made them so weâd better unmake them.
But we donât make them, do we?
Nobody sits down and consciously decides to look for the negative in life. Itâs just that, when weâve done it for long enough and maybe enough people have told us that we have that outlook, then we take it as fact.
At that point we conclude that it must be part of our personality.
As if it was fixed in stone.
As if it were true.
Itâs true if you keep telling yourself – and others – that thatâs what youâre like.
I have an idea for you.
Go to YouTube and watch a Charlie Chaplin movie. Watch him dig himself into some hopeless hole. And laugh at him, of course. Nobody behaves like that in real life.
Except, of course, we all do.
Thatâs why heâs so funny – even a hundred years on. We can identify with him.
When youâve done that, take a five minute break, close your eyes and watch your own negative thoughts about anything.
About your love life, if youâre in that place. Or your money situation. Or a business issue. Or a global one.
But watch them like a Chaplin movie. Donât try and change a thing. But notice that you can watch your own thoughts.
And thereâs a watcher who isnât having any of those thoughts at all!
The watcher is as detached from the thoughts as you were from Charlie C.
Do you get it?
Youâre not your thoughts, in just the same way that youâre not your fingernails.
Leave them alone and theyâll adjust themselves all on their own.
Your nature is to be happy, playful and positive. Watch any infant and youâll see thatâs true.
Thereâs no such thing as a âborn worrier.â
You donât have to change your mind. You only have to leave it alone.
And thatâs why being a pessimist matters.
======
If youâve found this article helpful, you may also like my book, âHow To Stop Anxietyâ now available on Amazon Kindle. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B078ZKTBRZ
Please share this article on Facebook, Twitter or whichever social media you prefer. Thank you.
