There are some things I think we can all take as givens. We all want love and to be loved. The vast majority of us love sex, and a good sex life. We at least want to be liked and accepted by our peers. And I suppose it’s true to say that in most cases we’d like at least one person to love and accept us unconditionally, other than our mothers, of course.

So the hunt begins for someone who can be our soul mate, lover, friend, perhaps benefactor and supporter of all we do, no matter how stupid, immoral or in some cases, illegal. Add to the equation that through the medium of marriage, should we choose that route, there is the possibility of being contractually and legally tied to this person forever, (not to mention the moral and religious obligations that many people still feel), and you have a recipe for true …. disaster!

No one is likely to be all those things, or to have such bottomless patience!

There is, however, one underlying reason why relationships can go so horribly wrong, and fortunately, there’s an antidote.

The underlying reason is that most of us look at a possible mate with a single question in mind. As I am a man, I can stick my neck out here a bit and tell you (approximately) how a man thinks when he first sets eyes on an attractive woman. (My apologies to both men and women readers for what follows – the truth does sometimes hurt, and I confess to putting myself in the “male” bracket, so …)

… in our heads, we go, “Phwoooar!!”

Based upon this meaningless, Neanderthal grunt we are prepared to start families, take out mortgages and commit the rest of our lives to someone whose personality, hopes, wishes, fears and foibles we know nothing of, and whom we have only, at this point, imagined naked.

And the underlying question, not consciously asked, but there all the same is: “What’s in it for me?” From the heterosexual male perspective it would be, “What’s she like in bed?” There maybe other issues such as money, status, reputation and so on, but the truth is, we’re out for what we can get.

And ladies and girls, you’re no better! Looks count, but I know it’s true that for many women how good looking a man is, is less important than the opposite way around. You’re more likely to be noticing how a guy makes you feel. But there’ll still be a “Phwooar!” factor to begin with, and beneath all the flirting and game-playing that might go on, both are looking with lustful and curious eyes at this early stage, and both men and women are asking themselves in their own unique ways that terrible question: “What’s in it for me?”

Look, that question is fine for consumerism. If you go to buy a new TV, of course you want the discounted one that still has all the great features of the more expensive ones. But the telly doesn’t have feelings or needs of its own.

When you get two people each asking that about the other, you will eventually drain each other dry. Emotionally, spiritually and in the end, sexually too.

So the antidote? By now, it should be fairly obvious. You need to be asking yourself, “What can I give this person?” or “What will I bring to a relationship with this person?” Not money, not fast cars, not even good looks. What qualities do you have that make you attractive to other people? Are you a loyal friend? A good listener? Can you make people laugh? Are you fun?

Who’d want to be around a dull, disloyal, unreliable, selfish bore? Even if you looked like George Clooney or Naomi Campbell?

Your self esteem is the sexiest asset you possess, regardless of your age, looks or prowess in the bedroom. Get that right, and you’ll get pulling!

Meanwhile, if you want some serious seduction tips, I’ve now come out of the closet and written a little book on the subject, (it’s free) - because, frankly, I got really good at doing this online. It really makes your self-esteem muscles work, but there’s also some technique! Go to http://www.10minuteseduction.com for your free copy.

Until soon.

Trevor. (aka Wizard of Wisdom)